Drowning in Love

I am drowning in love right now. Filled with the pain of being without the one I have loved with all of my heart for almost seventeen years now. Arms aching to hold the one whose face I have not seen for three years come the middle of next month.

When I created this blog, I said that I would be honest. I would not be one who would only show the good parts while neglecting to keep in view the parts of me that still continues to suffer from certain afflictions.

I wish that I could be angry with God for allowing life and its shitty circumstances (poverty, homelessness, sickness…the list goes on) to part my husband and I. I wish that I could be angry with my husband for finally succumbing to the hell that was our lives and walking away from who we used to be. But I feel no anger anymore. Only love.

How can you be angry at one who showed you only love and care and who literally went to hell and back to protect and take care of you? How can you be angry at one who literally opened up an atlas and told you that wherever you pointed to on that map, that that is where he would take you and that is precisely what he did for one entire month? From the Badlands, to the Tetons, to Canada and back…he took me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go and made sure all of the bills for both the preceding month and the month we returned were paid so that I would not have one thing to trouble myself about?

How could you be angry at the one who packed a bag for you in the middle of the night and took you away for a weekend after a very stressful time at work and spent the entire weekend taking me shopping, out for candlelight dinners, and preparing special things for me to do the entire trip?

How can you be angry at one who put me first in everything at all times and was the most compassionate, forgiving, loving, and accepting person that I have ever known? How can you be angry with the one who was literally Jesus Christ with skin on for thirteen years? How? I cannot.

All I can do is love him. All I can do is miss him and wish him well. But, God, how I wish that I had never known such a love at all! To have loved like that and for that love to be taken away is the worst form of suffering for me. I can hardly breathe.

What is the meaning to this particular suffering, you might ask. At the moment, I neither know nor care. What I DO know, however, is that as badly as I am hurting, I am STILL HERE! And writing down my feelings has taken away the biggest sting of this great love that I am feeling. Where before I was feeling rather hopeless and pathetic, I am now feeling a bit of loneliness tinged with a smidge of the pathetic.LOL

I did not know how I was going to survive the loss of my husband’s love…and yet here I am three years later. Stronger, better, and more loving than I was before. So, all is never lost. Not completely.

On the one hand, I would say that love sucks. But on the other, I have to say that love is the greatest force there is. If life is not a paradox, I do not know what is.


For All Who Suffer…

I did not choose to write about suffering. Suffering itself has chosen my life in order to share with you, my readers, its story. For suffering can only be  understood and perceived by those who have borne it.

Suffering has given me more than wounds. It has given me wisdom. I shall be sharing both with you. At times in humor, sometimes in anguish, and more times than I would care to admit from feelings of anger and vastly annoying irritation. But always, always, my wisdom and wounds are bound up with boundless compassion and  a deep sense of camaraderie. For we have all suffered and will continue to suffer until the day when suffering is no longer a part of this world. (Oh, how I long for that day!)

Some of the things I share are going to cause you to wince in sympathy and/or cringe in embarrassment. (Whether that embarrassment will be directed at your or at me, only time will tell. For, with me, total transparency is just that. Total and transparent. I do not cloak myself in order to appear strong or unflappable or wise. On the contrary, I bare my soul so that you will see suffering in all its naked glory. And that, maybe, just maybe, you will begin to see an image of you; and from that will draw strength and comfort and courage…knowing that you are not alone.)

We are all more than our pain. More than our losses. And so much more than our suffering.

Through the hands of suffering, everything that I held dear has been taken away. I lost my son. I lost my health. I lost my job. I lost my business. I lost my home and all of my earthly possessions. Of all the things that I have suffered, however, the loss of my husband has truly been the most excrutiating I have had to endure. And I have yet to mention the horrors of my childhood and the terror that were my growing up years. One would think that my name would have been better served as “Pathos,” rather than “Cassie.” For that is what much of my life has been.

Before you all collapse in  heaps of gloom and despair, let me share the wonderfully amazing treasure that suffering has given to me. For suffering gave me far more than it could have ever taken away. Much to my astonishment and great delight, I have found that suffering is a benefactor of peace, illumination, and joy. (How’s THAT for stupefaction and a kick in the head!)

I am fairly certain that some of you who are suffering now are almost gasping in outrage at the very notion that suffering could or would bring anything to your life other than its name. Yet, I speak these words with veracity and sincerity. And I invoke the authority of suffering itself, because my daily life is one of just that…suffering. I know just what in hell I am speaking about, and I mean hell in every sense of the word.

Prepare yourself for a journey of a lifetime.

Let the suffering begin…