I am drowning in love right now. Filled with the pain of being without the one I have loved with all of my heart for almost seventeen years now. Arms aching to hold the one whose face I have not seen for three years come the middle of next month.
When I created this blog, I said that I would be honest. I would not be one who would only show the good parts while neglecting to keep in view the parts of me that still continues to suffer from certain afflictions.
I wish that I could be angry with God for allowing life and its shitty circumstances (poverty, homelessness, sickness…the list goes on) to part my husband and I. I wish that I could be angry with my husband for finally succumbing to the hell that was our lives and walking away from who we used to be. But I feel no anger anymore. Only love.
How can you be angry at one who showed you only love and care and who literally went to hell and back to protect and take care of you? How can you be angry at one who literally opened up an atlas and told you that wherever you pointed to on that map, that that is where he would take you and that is precisely what he did for one entire month? From the Badlands, to the Tetons, to Canada and back…he took me anywhere and everywhere I wanted to go and made sure all of the bills for both the preceding month and the month we returned were paid so that I would not have one thing to trouble myself about?
How could you be angry at the one who packed a bag for you in the middle of the night and took you away for a weekend after a very stressful time at work and spent the entire weekend taking me shopping, out for candlelight dinners, and preparing special things for me to do the entire trip?
How can you be angry at one who put me first in everything at all times and was the most compassionate, forgiving, loving, and accepting person that I have ever known? How can you be angry with the one who was literally Jesus Christ with skin on for thirteen years? How? I cannot.
All I can do is love him. All I can do is miss him and wish him well. But, God, how I wish that I had never known such a love at all! To have loved like that and for that love to be taken away is the worst form of suffering for me. I can hardly breathe.
What is the meaning to this particular suffering, you might ask. At the moment, I neither know nor care. What I DO know, however, is that as badly as I am hurting, I am STILL HERE! And writing down my feelings has taken away the biggest sting of this great love that I am feeling. Where before I was feeling rather hopeless and pathetic, I am now feeling a bit of loneliness tinged with a smidge of the pathetic.LOL
I did not know how I was going to survive the loss of my husband’s love…and yet here I am three years later. Stronger, better, and more loving than I was before. So, all is never lost. Not completely.
On the one hand, I would say that love sucks. But on the other, I have to say that love is the greatest force there is. If life is not a paradox, I do not know what is.