I find myself struggling with loneliness lately. Being bedridden leaves me isolated for many, many hours of the day and that leaves lots and lots of time for loneliness to creep into my mind.
I usually do not mind being alone. I have always been a person who has needed solitude. Even while married, it was always important for me to have time to myself so that I could recharge my batteries and think. But that was by choice. I did not choose this isolation. Life thrust it upon me and I have had to find ways to endure it and overcome this feeling of aloneness. I do not know how well I am faring. Not as well as I would like to at this time, that is for sure.
I realized just how alone I have been feeling after I emailed a friend I have known for about ten years. My friend told me to tell him everything that I have been going through and that he wanted to listen and support me. Those words meant the world to me, as I realized that my thoughts and emotions had been shut off from the world, for the most part. Everything was kept inside me. Hence, my feeling of loneliness and isolation.
I didn’t even know how to express my feelings to him. It had been just that long since I have opened myself and my feelings to another person. All of my other interchanges with those closest to me had been superficial and on the surface because those people really did not care to know what was under that surface. So I simply glided on top. It is no wonder that I have been feeling so all alone.
So, I opened up my email and wrote to my friend. I didn’t go too deeply, but I opened the door and plan on pushing it wider every day. Doing so has helped me to feel less lonely and more in control…of myself and my destiny. I realized that I did not have to just sit here and be lonely. That I could do something about that loneliness. I could reach out and invite others into my world, limited as that world may be at the moment because of my health and my circumstances.
I don’t like my life where it is now. It feels stagnant and unfulfilling. So I am going to move from this spot. My tent has been pitched on this parcel of loneliness for far too long. I am going to stretch my legs and head out in another direction. Who knows who I will meet along the way?
I don’t feel so lonely anymore. I have me as a companion…and that’s pretty good company, if I say so myself. Sometimes in the throes of remembering that I do not have other people in my life, I forget that I am with and will always have the most important person in my world…me.