Someone wise once told me that if you can look behind you, the hardest part is over. That hiperson was wise beyond years, for those words are so very true and are resounding deeply within me at this hour as I am being assailed by memories and pain from the past.
This morning, I was hit by the pain of betrayal. Only the betrayal occurred almost three years ago. It has only been this morning that the pain of that betrayal hit me squarely in the face and for the first time, I felt the anger and the disillusionment, the abandonment, and the betrayal. Oh, God, the betrayal!
At first, I tried to push the feelings of pain away and ignore them. I went to sleep and my dreams began to play it back to me and added other betrayals that I have suffered to the catalyst that put me to sleep in the first place. When I awakened, I was a river of tears in a sea of pain. So I let myself ride the wave and the pictures began to play in my mind.
I saw my father yelling and screaming and raging at me. I saw my mother standing by, never doing anything about the abuse. I saw my oldest brother, who had been my hero, as he threw me away, never looking back when he walked out the door, saying, “You’re never going to see me again.” I saw my twin sister who stopped talking to me years ago and never told me why. I saw my best friend turning her back on me when I was at my lowest point. I saw my husband….oh, God, I saw my husband…
Outwardly, I was only shedding a tear or two. But on the inside, my soul was screaming as all of the images played out before my eyes. I didn’t know what to do with the pain. So, I put on the song “Tragedy” by The Bee Gees and let it play over and over. But after a while, I changed the song. I am now listening to “Don’t Want You Back.” I am playing this song and dedicating it to everyone and everything that has ever hurt me. I am dedicating it to the pain. To the betrayal. For I have realized that all of those things are behind me now. None of those people or those things can ever or will ever hurt me that way again. It’s already done. It’s already over. I can look behind me and see it all in my rearview mirror.
There are things I will never understand. Things that I have to live without that I would rather not have to. People I loved and lost who meant the world to me who no longer inhabit my world and most likely will never enter it again. But, you know what? It’s okay because I am still here. I am still alive. I am still able to love and to laugh and to forgive. I have me and I am going to love me and nurture and nourish myself back to health. I will always have me and I will always be me, no matter what life throws at or takes away from me.
In this next phase of my life, it’s just God and me. I didn’t ask for life to be this way, but that’s the way it is. And I am finding that that is okay. The more that I am forced to suffer, the more I discover about me and those discoveries are surprising, and rather pleasing. For, I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am not dwelling on the pain anymore. I am feeling it and going on with life. And that’s a good thing.
When you are hurting and wondering how in the world you are ever going to survive the pain, remember this: Whatever hurt you can never hurt you like that again. It’s behind you. Sure, the pain hurts, but it will not remain if you do not allow it. Don’t think so? I am proving it right now. Because five minutes ago, I was in a heap of tears. Right now, however, is a different story and another song. I am now dancing to “You Can’t Touch This” while I am typing these words to you. Look out, world!
The hardest part is over. Thank God. After all the hell I have suffered in my life, what more can life do to me? It’s taken my health, my husband, my home, my livelihood, my friends, most of my family, all of my earthly possessions, and everything that I held dear.
I am in the perfect position. I no longer have anything left to lose. And when you have nothing left to lose, you are free. Free to risk. Free to grow. Free to learn. I am no longer entangled by life or people or circumstances. What a blessing. Thanks, life!